Youth Speak Out on Birth Family Contact

Many adopted youth would like to have contact with their birth family members. And despite common perceptions, these interactions don't have to be tricky or uncomfortable.

Even before contact is made, adoptive parents can help their children assess the idea of contact and decide if it is safe. Then they can guide their children in reaching out to birth family. After contact is made, interactions can become very normal, and birth family members can provide adopted youth with valuable information, connection, and support.

One family that understands this concept is the Manteca family. Donna Manteca has eight children by birth and adoption. Daniel, Juan, and Tatiyana are three of the children who joined her family through adoption. Recently, they took a few moments to express their thoughts on their connection with their birth families and how this long-standing contact has affected their lives in a positive way.

Daniel, 21, has had contact with his two birth sisters all of his life. He realizes how different this situation is from most other adopted youth. "Most people who are adopted don't have the chance to grow up with their siblings, and I've had the opportunity even though they were in another adopted home."

He said the support that he and his birth sisters have provided each other has been invaluable. "Over the years, we've talked about everything from our parents, friends, and school to what we aspired to become when we grew up. We've shared all our lives together, and even now our families are close."

Not only do Daniel and his sisters support one another, but their whole families have come to depend on each other in times of need. Daniel said, "My sisters' mother passed recently, but they know they have my mother to call if they need anything."

Daniel's sister, twelve-year-old Tatiyana, has always had contact with her birth relatives, too. As a result, this interaction seems very normal to her and her birth family. "We talk about what they are doing, and what is going on at their house. My aunts and I talk about their new babies. My eleven-year-old uncle tells me about his football games. I talk to my little sister about how she is doing in school. My grandmother always asks me how I am doing and how is school."

When asked what life would be like without contact with her birth family, she said, "It would be really hard because...if something happened, then I wouldn't know, and that would bother me a lot."

Daniel agreed that it's important to have contact with birth family, whenever this is safe and possible. "You get to know things about yourself and where you get certain ways, habits, and physical features. Recently, my sisters and I learned the whereabouts of our birth mother, and it was good to be able to talk to each other and share our feelings. We each have dealt with it differently, but it was good to have someone who truly understood."

Daniel and Tatiyana's brother Juan, 12, generalized this principle of needing to know your family. He said, "I think kids should know who their family is, because they get to have a big family and not grow up wondering who their other relatives are. It's good not only for adopted children, but also for all children who are not living with both parents."

For more information on the benefits of birth family contact, prospective adoptive parents should consider reading the book Children of Open Adoption by Kathleen Silber and Patricia Martinez Dorner (Carona Publishing, 1989). On the Internet, adoptive parents can view a summary of the subject titled "Openness in Adoption: A Fact Sheet for Families," available at the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services Child Welfare Information Gateway.