Teens Need Forever Families, Too

Teenagers are often hesitant to say they want to be adopted. Workers may wonder about the importance of adoption to waiting teens, too, thinking that adolescence is the time that most children begin to think about being on their own. These workers may be quick to accept independence as a goal for a waiting teen.

Lisa's Perspective

One young woman, named Lisa, talked about her experience as a waiting teen and why she thought it was important for her to have an adoptive family. We thought she made some good points that might apply to other teens, too.

"I just kept thinking about my future, and I wanted it to include a family to go home to when I was at college; a family to go home to for the holidays; a mom and dad to call for advice or just to share joys and discouragements; a father to walk me down the aisle when I get married; and grandparents when I have children."

Evaluating the Birth Parent Relationship

Lisa observed that birth parent relationships, while important to respect, can sometimes be a roadblock to a better future. After she came into state care at age twelve, her birth mother had contacted her periodically for several years, but this contact was not leading towards reunification. She yearned for a permanent family but could see that her mother would not be able to provide the stability she needed.

At age sixteen, a judge asked her if she would like parental rights to be terminated. Lisa stated, "I chose for the rights to be terminated because I had to let the excess baggage go in order to be who I knew I wanted to be. I had to let go to go on. She is my mother, and she will always be my mother, but I had to draw a line."

A Willingness to Be Vulnerable

Following this hearing, she also recalls, "My caseworker had shared very honestly with me that it was more difficult to find families for a teenager, but I was willing to take the risk. I wanted a family." She added, "I had to make myself vulnerable again by hoping for an adoptive family, but I had to hang onto that hope."

Within a year, Lisa's hope was rewarded. She met with a family that seemed like a wonderful match, and the adoption was finalized one week prior to her eighteenth birthday. "It was like it was meant to be, there are so many things that just fit."

Other Resistances to Adoption

Teens may also resist adoption because they think they can stay with their foster parents forever. But Lisa sees the foster and adoptive parent relationships as very different. "The difference between parents and friends is that parents are there to love and support you no matter what. Friends and other relationships pass through your life. Fostering is temporary, but adoption is forever."

Lisa also mentioned that many potential adoptive parents may be concerned that money for college is not available for teens who are adopted. However, Lisa was able to obtain assistance, and adopted youth are eligible for assistance through the John H. Chafee Foster Care Independence Program if they are adopted after turning sixteen.

Getting Through the Tough Times

Teens waiting to be adopted can benefit from creating a lifebook with their workers. Lisa said, "I put a lot of time and energy into my lifebook. It carried me through a very difficult time." She added, "I want something to share with my children and grandchildren, and this is my life, this is my story."

What does being adopted mean to Lisa? "To me, it means being chosen to be part of a family. My family did not have the liberty of choosing the children who were born to them, but they had to choose me in order for me to be adopted."

Lisa is currently attending college, majoring in social work and minoring in leadership. She plans to obtain a law degree and serve as an advocate for children in foster care.

Excerpted from Adoption Connections, Summer ‘03, with kind permission of the Resource Exchange for Adoptable Children in Tennessee.